As I was wandering my favorite store AKA Winners, I came across this little gem of a book and just couldn't NOT share with you. This is just a snippet...there are many, many more horrendous offerings, but here are a few .
Warm Vest.Cold Shoulder.
How could it have gone any other way? She seems to be trying to smooth things over with a playful pinch of the bum, but he's not having it. This time, she's gone too far. Looks like someone is sleeping in the rumpus room tonight, and if there's a matching afghan in there, it's not going to be him.
Some Situations Demand Extreme Action!
This man has taken Shakespearean steps to exact a swift revenge for the misdeeds of the granny-square crocheting she-devil by his side. While it may look like he's bestowing a sweet kiss upon his lover, in reality, he has coated his lips with a hat-penetrating poison that will render her unable to hold a crochet hook for the rest of her days. Little does he know, she used Poison Proof 'n' Pretty Cashmerino to make the jaunty chapeau.
This is the couple you always hope to avoid at a party. Could there possibly be two more annoying people on the planet? Their careful choice of outerwear serves as a crystal-clear warning that they consider themselves to be a "fun and adventurous" couple. There's no getting around it--they'll be asking you to join them in the hot tub before you can say "no more schnapps for me, thanks." Not so coincidentally, this will also be the exact moment you discover that their choice of underwear is just as bizarre as their matching set of Moron Ponchos. You haven't seen anything until you've seen matching knitted G-strings. complete with fake fur and stategically placed pom-poms.
It's tragic, but there's no saving her. Once the Abominable Yarn Beast has your head firmly clenched in its argyle jaws, it's best not to struggle. Accept the furry hands of fate and realize that once you've made a fashion faux pas this bad, there's no outliving it. You will now and forever be known as Ms. Sasquatch 1974.
It's interesting to see what happens when you combine a fashion shoot and a hostage situation, don't you think? Clearly she's modelling this jacket against her will, and it's simply part of a process meant to speed up the Stockholm Syndrome. The strange U-shaped pocket will cloud her thoughts. The crooked row of blinding buttons will make her question everything she ever believed. Ultimately, the acrylic shag will break her spirit, leaving an empty shell of the woman she once was. By day's end, she'll be convinced that this is high fashion, and soon she won't be able to leave the house without having her limbs covered in a tangled mess of cheap yarn.
Well hey, if this isn't every mother's WORST NIGHTMARE! This is exactly the kind of girl Rick James was talking about. She's got a distinct mesh pantsuit attitude, complete with questionable dye job and pre-thrusted pelvis. But underneath that brooding, buy-me-a-beer-or-I'll-punch-you-in-the-face exterior beats a heart of gold. You can tell by the classy fur knee padding.
And last but not least...and my favorite I think,
...errrrr...and if your "thing" happens to be diapers--all the better! There just aren't enough crocheted unhappy-face pillows in the world to express my feelings for our patron saint of perverse yarn fetish. I'm not even sure what the appropriate venue for this outfit would be. Does she need to call her friends ahead of time to tell them not to wear their brown leotard with diaper-skort and matching head wrap when they head to the miniature golf course? Well, at least the makers of this new and improved acrylic yarn (now polyester!) are offering a guarantee that they can stand behind. People will definitely be looking. Maybe they should have upped the ante a bit and offered a guaranteed open-mouthed gape.
I hope this little offering was able to brighten your day. I know it did mine. I'm so glad I didn't leave this little number to languish on the shelf forever. It's just too fantastic.
