Tuesday, December 14, 2010

So, though it seems I may be alone in my adoration for all things knitty, I am sure that you can all appreciate the humor in this post.

As I was wandering my favorite store AKA Winners, I came across this little gem of a book and just couldn't NOT share with you. This is just a snippet...there are many, many more horrendous offerings, but here are a few .

Warm Vest.Cold Shoulder.

How could it have gone any other way? She seems to be trying to smooth things over with a playful pinch of the bum, but he's not having it. This time, she's gone too far. Looks like someone is sleeping in the rumpus room tonight, and if there's a matching afghan in there, it's not going to be him.

Some Situations Demand Extreme Action!

This man has taken Shakespearean steps to exact a swift revenge for the misdeeds of the granny-square crocheting she-devil by his side. While it may look like he's bestowing a sweet kiss upon his lover, in reality, he has coated his lips with a hat-penetrating poison that will render her unable to hold a crochet hook for the rest of her days. Little does he know, she used Poison Proof 'n' Pretty Cashmerino to make the jaunty chapeau.

This is the couple you always hope to avoid at a party. Could there possibly be two more annoying people on the planet? Their careful choice of outerwear serves as a crystal-clear warning that they consider themselves to be a "fun and adventurous" couple. There's no getting around it--they'll be asking you to join them in the hot tub before you can say "no more schnapps for me, thanks." Not so coincidentally, this will also be the exact moment you discover that their choice of underwear is just as bizarre as their matching set of Moron Ponchos. You haven't seen anything until you've seen matching knitted G-strings. complete with fake fur and stategically placed pom-poms.

It's tragic, but there's no saving her. Once the Abominable Yarn Beast has your head firmly clenched in its argyle jaws, it's best not to struggle. Accept the furry hands of fate and realize that once you've made a fashion faux pas this bad, there's no outliving it. You will now and forever be known as Ms. Sasquatch 1974.

It's interesting to see what happens when you combine a fashion shoot and a hostage situation, don't you think? Clearly she's modelling this jacket against her will, and it's simply part of a process meant to speed up the Stockholm Syndrome. The strange U-shaped pocket will cloud her thoughts. The crooked row of blinding buttons will make her question everything she ever believed. Ultimately, the acrylic shag will break her spirit, leaving an empty shell of the woman she once was. By day's end, she'll be convinced that this is high fashion, and soon she won't be able to leave the house without having her limbs covered in a tangled mess of cheap yarn.

Well hey, if this isn't every mother's WORST NIGHTMARE! This is exactly the kind of girl Rick James was talking about. She's got a distinct mesh pantsuit attitude, complete with questionable dye job and pre-thrusted pelvis. But underneath that brooding, buy-me-a-beer-or-I'll-punch-you-in-the-face exterior beats a heart of gold. You can tell by the classy fur knee padding.

And last but not least...and my favorite I think,

...errrrr...and if your "thing" happens to be diapers--all the better! There just aren't enough crocheted unhappy-face pillows in the world to express my feelings for our patron saint of perverse yarn fetish. I'm not even sure what the appropriate venue for this outfit would be. Does she need to call her friends ahead of time to tell them not to wear their brown leotard with diaper-skort and matching head wrap when they head to the miniature golf course? Well, at least the makers of this new and improved acrylic yarn (now polyester!) are offering a guarantee that they can stand behind. People will definitely be looking. Maybe they should have upped the ante a bit and offered a guaranteed open-mouthed gape.

I hope this little offering was able to brighten your day. I know it did mine. I'm so glad I didn't leave this little number to languish on the shelf forever. It's just too fantastic.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


I went to our ward Christmas party last night and the Cub leader let me know that it was a false alarm!!! The doctor confirmed that it was just a bad case of dandruff...the poor kid! Thank goodness!!!! No lice for us...YAY!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

For All Those Knitters or Crocheters

I realize I just blogged but I just have to share. I am sure, for any of you out there who like that sort of thing, you have your favorite sites you use for free knitting and crocheting patterns. I thought that I would share mine and you, in turn, could share a few of yours...if you have any. I am always on the hunt for new adorable things to knit or crochet, so I thought maybe you might be too. I think a couple of you out there love yarn too.

I really really love www.purlbee.com It is fantastic. It has some of the coolest ideas, like the Linen Grocery Tote (of which I have made and love), the Long Striped Hand Warmers (which I started about 4 months ago and are still sitting there....they are just so cute, but I hate double pointed needles), or the wedding washcloths (which I think are beautiful and super easy to knit up really quick), along with many others.

I also just found a fabulous site called www.pickles.no. I am super excited about this site. I love the little itty bitty baby stuff. I can't wait to get my knitting on! They have this absolutely adorable bolero for little girls I REALLY want to make for my little nieces called Nora's Bolero and also the cute cute scarf included in Ingrid's Diva kit. I have made a couple of cute slip through scarfs but I like this one much better. I really want to make it!

Anyway, I LOVE knitting. It isn't gross acrylic itchy tacky stuff of the seventies anymore. It is beautiful.

What Every Mom Wants to Hear

I have been quite fortunate with all my children never having a run-in with lice. There is one positive thing about having boys. Their hair is so short you usually don't have to do too much worrying. Not right now though!

Last night I got a phone call from Marcus' Cub leader Lena. She thought it best to warn me ASAP that at Cubs last night, there was a little boy present with a very advanced case of lice. The worst part about it was that the mom, unaware of what it actually was, proceeded to try to rub and pick it out, WITH MARCUS SITTING RIGHT BESIDE HIM!!! SICK, SICK, SICK!

Of course, she didn't get a chance to call me BEFORE I patted Marcus on the head, laid down to read Harry Potter on his bed with him, and pulled my hair out of a ponytail and finger combed my hair. ARG! I'm sort of freaking out a bit!

Suffice it to say, I proceeded to scrub, scrub, scrub, until my head was raw. All our clothes and bedding into the wash, and tea tree oil all over Marcus' head. It's not as if I keep lice shampoo at home. Sort of the grossest thing ever!

Please, oh please, let us NOT be infected with lice.